Fresh Hollywood "Secret Jesus" Silliness

Jesus trail in India: Film to cover the years left out of the New Testament

New Delhi: Hollywood is to fill in Jesus’ “missing years” in the Bible with a story about him as a wandering mystic who travelled across India, living in Buddhist monasteries and speaking out against the caste system.

One of the best parts:

The producers say they are hoping for commercial and spiritual gains. “We think that Indian religions and Buddhism, especially with the idea of meditation, played a big part in Christ’s thinking. In the film we are looking beyond the canonised gospels to the ‘lost’ gospels,” said William Sees Keenan, the producer, who is currently making Lindsay Lohan’s Poor Things. “We are looking at new themes. In our story Jesus was loyal to the untouchables and he defended them with his life by saying that everyone could read the Vedas,” said Mr. Keenan.

I'd better be careful not to roll my eyes so hard they fall out. This stuff is beyond ludicrous. For anyone who knows the least bit about mainstream historical Jesus research and its constraints, these claims are laughable beyond words. They have the same credibility as the following conjectures:

• "Don't you know? They faked the lunar landings. I have this email that tells all about it."
• "No really, the earth really is flat. The mainstream scientists are suppressing the evidence!"
• "Hey, you should buy this book! It's all about this guy over in Latveria who knows how to turn lead into gold, but the government is trying to keep him quiet."

It's sad that many people are so ignorant of both Christianity and history that this stuff has to be debunked. I will leave that tedious task to my betters. However, I do have three points I'd like to share with the "secret life of Jesus" true believers and marketers:

First--and this is the single most important point--you guys really need to make up your minds: Is Jesus buried with Mary Magdalene outside of Jerusalem, or is he buried in Kashmir? Both can't be true. I foresee some problems in your convincing the rest of us of your story until you get this one straight.

Second, despite what the Disney songs tell you, really, really, really wishing that something is true doesn't make it so, particularly with regard to history.

Third, to the followers of hippy Jesus who assert that his true message, long forgotten by the church, was only about free love, peace, tolerance, and flower power, I have a question: have you ever read the New Testament? You know that nasty little doctrine of hell the church has? Guess who we got it from. Hint: It wasn't Paul.

Mull these things over then get back to me, m'kay?